i'll take indecision as a decision

at work, we have to have our year goals in by the first of the month. it requires making plans, assessing what we've learned, what we know, where we want to go, and how we expect to get there with the resources the company provides. its all nice and good and automated.

i've had some trouble getting my thoughts together on this. i've never actually thought about it before. and i think that's problematic of our generation. i don't know a damn soul that said in college: I'm going to be x and then actually pursued that vision and is still committed to making it a reality. almost all of the people i've encountered are either drifters or they want MEANINGFUL EXPERIENCES. Not that these experiences aren't leading to something, but they're not on a set, distinct path, leading to the outcome of x.

new, personal, experimental paths lead to more. they lead into the unknown. they lead into growth. they lead into difficulty and personal mastery. they lead to liberation and personal ownership. they lead to a life.

i'll take what comes my way, i'll pursue interesting opportunities. and I'll make my own way, learn my own lessons, and probably end up shoulder to shoulder with the people that i am honored to call my peers.

that's my goal.

On this day in 1848...

Wisconsin became a state. Thank you wikipedia, for keeping me up to date on awesome information.

I'm going to celebrate with some beer tonight. At a rooftop garden bar. Seems fitting.

In the pursuit of...

Sometimes I forget how important the sense of touch is. Living in our own worlds, pursuing our dreams, we often have such an intense focus on the future, that we forget - and even consciously neglect - our needs in the now.

Looking around on my walk home tonight, I realized that i've forgotten what it feels like to sit in the grass, to swim through water, to have someone's hand in mine.

As I focus on the future, I can't forget about the big little things that makes not only the future, but the now, worth it.

Creation-Destruction

This Sunday was spent at the Guggenheim. I walked across the park and met a wonderful gal-pal on a soggy day to get some culture back into my life.

The exhibit was amazing - and very strange. The artist, Cai Guo-Qiang, explores the idea of creation through destruction. I understand this in so much as he lights gunpowder on painted canvases to see how it turns out. I can see how that is creating art. But there were other ideas that I couldn't wrap my brain around.

The artist grew up under Mao in China. One of the regimes mantras was to create a new culture. In order to do that, they argued, you needed to destroy the existing culture. A lot of Chinese cultural heritage was lost. The idea baffles me.

But I really wonder - does creation come through destruction? In order for one idea to come to fruition, do other ideas have to wait? or even die?

I think its hard for me to wrap my head around, because I've never created anything. The responsibility is too much for me to handle. But I'd like to think that creation does not require destruction. I'd like to think that we can build on things. That we can take what is best and use it. And respectfully remember the rest.

The finality of both creation and destruction scare me as well. For the same reason. You have to deal with their consequences. Things lost because you allow only one outcome.

Needless to say, it was a very cultural afternoon. One I will not soon forget.

uws paradisio

this apt rocks.

literally rocks.

after a night in the busiest square in the world, eating some much needed bbq and watching an epic film, i came home at 10p, and my roomie was just getting ready to go out with her bf and his friends. would I tag along? I should think so.

I also think this camera phone needs to be tested.

photos of this epic night should ensue...if I can hold my own...

Rolling stones keep on rollin

The epic music that caresses my ears on this epic afternoon is none other than the epic-ness of the rolling stones.

They remind me of a crazy blue house that yet another person is to leave after her epic graduation. Lucky for me, she's on her way out here.

A familiar whiff of the past

Getting off the train today, and heading up the escelator, the strong aroma of incense made its way to me. Instantly, I had a moment of panic. That smell belonged to India - a time and place I thought I had escaped. My mind raced - I looked around for rickshaws, listened for honking horns and the morning prayer bells of the girl that lived next door to Annso and me. I smelled the air again, and wondered why the incense didn't have the smell of cow manure mixed in.

As the escelator took me closer to the souce of the smell (an indian guy at a newspaper stand), my panicing mind began to get a hold of reality again. I focused on the steady climb sans effort, I focused on the black jackets and the subway exit signs. I focused on everything that was in the present, and everything good that I was reminded of with that whiff from the past.

I don't want to write off my experience. I don't want to think bitterly about it any more. I don't want to hate - but I also don't want to participate. Call it growing up, call it confronting reality...it doesn't matter.

Its amazing how a small thing like a smell can bring you back, make you think, make you question - AGAIN - everything. But it was only a smell, only temporary lapse in reality, and now its all just a memory...for better or worse.

A Change is coming

I can feel it. A change in mindset. A change in point of view.

Otis is telling me so.

Word of the day

Whammy!

Q: What's the cost to a bunch of 20 somethings at a booz-sponsored party where the drinks are free?

A: Friday morning.

Growing up

Two stark realizations today while sifting through personal shit at work (yea, we all do it - I figure they pay the guys that go outside to smoke, so they can pay me for 5 mins exploring sthg of interest on the internets - yes, they're still plural, at least until november).

1. My box has changed - In an attempt to register for a site that keep people up to date on the newest bars in NYC, I found that I no longer fit in the 18-24 box, but I am in the 25-34 category...but 34 year olds seem so old! Fuck! Its just another way life is prompting me to grow up.
2. I realized the reason I couldn't keep a job anywhere but in NYC - because, to me, it seems like the rest of the world is trying to emmulate NYC, to catch up. This is where all the action is, where all the magic begins, where direction comes from...and where I can begin to take myself seriously. Well, here or in Paris.