Could you decide?

Imagine you're a top decision maker in today's world. You have the power to do almost anything...

Now, imagine a problem like this: environmentalists come to you and say "hey, global warming is going to make the earth explode in about 200 years. if you want your great-grandchildren to have any sort of life, you have to do something now. stop the building of all new developments, everywhere in the world. that should do the trick."

Ok, you think to yourself. easy enough. who needs more buildings anyway?

Then some developing countries come to you and say: "you can't shut down the building of new developments, because our people, rich and poor, are all invested into the market of infrastructure building. we want our kids to have the life your kids have. we want our piece of the pie, too...and why should our people have to suffer so your great-grandkids can live?"

What decision would you make? Could you actually decide? Would you be able to relegate an entire population to poverty, to save your great-grandchildren? Or would you be willing to sacrifice your great-grandkids so that people could be prosperous in the short-term.

I know this isn't an actual problem...but to me, it seems like a dumbed-down version of what actually can go through decision makers minds, and what the issues are, at the core.

It makes me think of my home country...what decision do we make every day?

Immitation cheese

Why is it that people all over the world do the same things?

We go to malls to hang out.
We try to dress in the latest fashions.
We watch TV.
We surf the net.

We all live in our own little bubbles. We all do these things, but in our own worlds.

All I'm asking, is simply, Why?

And why does it all look so familiar yet feel so alien...all the time?

The good and the bangalore

Currently in Bangalore, staying with a board member...one of two women on the board.

Its so nice to come here, to be able to chill out here, hang out and play games with her two little boys (4 and 2), and talk about work - and *gasp* - actually get stuff done!! WOW!!

It seems, no matter when I come here, I get things done. Its nice. But its weird, having to go to a completely different city to get things done.

I've also made a tentative plan to partake in a 2 week program teaching english to kids and vaccinating them. I'm planning on doing this in November, before I come home. I'm so excited about it!! Kids in rural India...making a direct impact...living the dream in real time.

Thanks Hollywood

A lot of times, in developing countries, one of the only things people see of the developed world is Hollywood - its everywhere. Everyone knows pop icons, their movies, music, who they're dating, etc.

I suppose this is positive in some way - perhaps in the fact that the whole world can have something in common...a sign of globalization.

But its also detrimental to westerners, more specifically, females with white skin, who are abroad. I think it makes men more aggressive towards us, and definitely spreads the stereotype that white women are easy. I'd like to share a few experiences with you, that I've had, as well as some of the girls I know here.

Girl 1's story: "I was in the line to get a movie ticket, and the fucking guy behind me kept pushing his pelvis into my ass. Finally I turned around, and screamed 'Get the fuck off my ass!' He just looked at me like 'what? don't you like it?'."

Girl 2's story: "So, there I was, alone, and climbing up the staircase in the Minar. As soon as I had stepped into the staircase, I knew that it was a bad idea - there was a guy in front of me and a group of guys behind me. But what could I do? The stairs were narrow, and it would have been difficult to get back down. So I went onward. A couple steps later, I knew I should have turned back. The guy behind me leaned in and licked my shoulder. I pulled my shawl up and didn't look back...and pretty much ran up the stairs to the top."

Girl 3's story: "We (white guy and I) were in Old Delhi, in one of the markets, just walking along. I was pointing out a temple to him, when a guy who was walking at us with a bunch of his friends, reached out and pinched my boob. I turned and screamed at him, but he just laughed. The guy that was with me was just so in shock that he didn't even get a chance to say anything. I guess we're just so ready for any of that shit now..."

Girl 4 & 5's story: "We were in a train after a week of being here (in India), going to the next city over. It was an overnight trip, and we had second class sleeper car. Some dudes got into our compartment, and started trying to make out with us. We pushed them out of the compartment, and didn't sleep for the rest of the night."

Girl 6's story: "I got out of the company cab that drops me at home, and was walking up to the gate. I had my iPod in, and didn't hear anything. All of the sudden, there was a guy behind me. He pushed me up against a wall, and kissed me so hard that he split my lip open. I screamed, and the guards ran towards our house. The guy ran off. The weird thing was that he had a briefcase and was in a suit...needless to say, I trust my rickshaw drivers more than the guys I work with - ie: the educated class."

There have been girls that were pulled off their rickshaws at night, into cars. You can imagine what happens to them.

I wish they'd tell us this stuff before we decide to come here. All of your dignity, your sense of independence, your self-respect, will be sucked from you.

The worst part of all of this is that you might chalk it up to be the dregs of society, the people that are poor, etc. But in most of these cases, it wasn't the case. There were educated, well off guys doing these things. They see it in the movies, and they think that's what western girls want, or will accept.

These are also the guys that will beat up someone who whistles or hassles an Indian woman. Fucking double standards.

In my darkest of hearts, I wish that there was some way to perform these acts back on to these guys. I heard a story once of a guy that got whistled at and hassled by a group of gay guys. After that experience, he said he would never whistle or hassle another girl.

Oh, there are so many other stories like these. We try to be brave. We say we're going to do what we're going to do, and fuck the rest...but sometimes the fear catches up with you. And you can't help but allowing yourself to feel a bit afraid of everyone around you.

et en plus

my comp blew up. make that 3 things now...
fuck.

blowin shit up

yesterday marked the 2nd time I almost blew myself up here...needless to say, i no longer have a working a/c. november cant come soon enough...

I used to think it was cool...

I used to think it was cool to put emotions aside, and be a machine of work hard, play hard. Fuck the rest.

I used to think it was cool to abandon everything close to me, to leave it by the wayside while I explored the world.

I used to think it was cool to pretend to be something I thought could change things.

I used to think it was cool to be all alone.

But now, surrounded by computers, cell phones, people I don't know, mounds of work and a completely different culture, I'm faced with the biggest realization of all.

Its not cool. Its naive and lonely and selfish and extremely exhausting. Its not me.

we're into double digits my friend!

Milestone reached today: My India experience turned 10 months old! I can't believe its been 10 months since I first set foot on this sub-continent...time has gone by so quickly!

Defining home

been around the world. seen a few things. realizing that i know a community half a world away better than i know my own home town.

pink floyd summed home up pretty good. i'll let them take it away


Time


Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
Its good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

Don't bring me down...Bruce!

In the throes of making a big decision...I have to think of what I really want. I have to think of implications. I have to think of who I am, my limits, the opportunities, and if I can live up to my own expectations.

This has gotten me to thinking - why is it so many times that we want what we don't have? So many pictures of the future are buzzing through my head. How will it all end up?

I have to admit, in one of these visions of my future, I live close to my parents, in a small town, with nice clean highways and a boring, consistent job...and I've been seriously considering this option. The more I think about it, the more I know I would just complain, 24/7, about my life, my job, what I'm not doing, the rest of the world, etc.

And there are many other options. But this one really hit me hard, because I realized that sometimes all we want to do is complain. And that's ok, for a bit. But when I realized that my entire life would be based around complaining and whining about what I could do or what I wouldn't be able to do or what everyone else should be doing, that's no life at all. I am a positive person, and I don't want to lose that.

There are many options left to think about. And as I go through the process of elimination, I realize there are things I wont' be able to do...or I guess challenges not worth taking on at this point in my life.