The space between...

I heard this song today and thought instantly of India..

You cannot quit me so quickly. Is no hope in you for me. No corner you could squeeze me? But I’ve got all the time for you, love.

The space between the tears we cry is the laughter keeps us coming back for more. The space between the wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from the pain. But will I hold you again?

Then I though of my family and friends.

Why does work have to be on a different continent? And why did I choose it over them? And why do I, no matter what I do, feel guilty or like I’m letting someone or something down?

Take my hand, cuz we're walking out of here. Woa love, right out of here. Love is all we need here. The space between what's wrong and right, is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you. The space between your heart and mine, is a space we can fill with time. And perhaps distance.

What you are is missing a piece...

The bloopers continue.

My rickshaw got hit by a motorcycle today. And then proceeded to teeter on one wheel before it fell firmly back on all three.

Perfect mirror of my life these days. Plus lots of use of the word fuck.

Perfect...India

Perfect
-Smashing Pumpkins

And I've known
We're just like old friends
We just can't pretend
That lovers make amends
We are reasons so unreal
We can't help but feel
That something has been lost

But please
You know you're just like me
Next time I promise we'll be perfect
Perfect
Perfect

Strangers down the line
Lovers out of time
Memories unwind
So far, I still know who you are
But now I wonder who I was
Angel, you know it's not the end
We'll always be good friends
The letters have been sent on

So please
You always were so free
You'll see, I promise we'll be perfect
Perfect

Strangers when we meet
Strangers on the street
Lovers walk asleep

Perfect
You know this has to be
We always were so free
We promised that we'd be
Perfect
Perfect

No matter how i fight it, this experience has been perfect, in its own way. I would have never guessed that I was completely right in viewing India as a lover. Its loving and harsh. Its a gentile touch and a slap in the face. It brings out the best and the worst in me. But it has been as perfect as any experience.

Mood check?

Je cherche le chanson qui est le miroir de mon ame.

Songs reflect my mood. Usually, I can find one that speaks to me. Lately, I can't. What is happening to me??? Yikes!

i know you, your minds already made up

back and forth, back and forth. like the swing set swings at the park by my aunt's house where we used to spend weekends when i was 3. life was so much easier then. decisions didn't have life long implications. and they were easier to make. monkey bars, swings, or the teeter totter. all were good to play on at some time, but i had my favorites!

how do we make decisions that are more complicated? or does it all come down to what we feel...just like when we were that little?

but i know me, i already have my mind made up..its just finding the courage to take it forward, to really forge my own path & do what i want, without saying i'm sorry.

Bad Omens, Bad Energy

I've started, since this morning, to keep score. On what, you might ask? The war I've fallen into between me and India. Its a war for survival - one that is not marked by rational decision or thought, but instinct and blind ambition.

And India has been kicking my ass.

Woke up on Saturday at 7:30am, after having a few drinks on Friday, and DID NOT have a hangover and stayed awake and was in a good mood for the morning. Betsy = 2

Annso woke up on Saturday and was really sick. India = 1

We had to convince her boyfriend to take her and I to the hospital. And they fought over which hospital to go to in the car. India = 1

I took Barley for 3 walks on Saturday. Betsy = 1

He ate cow poop on the street. India = 1 (and fucking pissed me off royally)

I smoked a cigarette. India = 1

Sunday I woke up early again and had two really big cups of coffee. Betsy = 1

And Barley peed on the floor. India = 1

And we couldn't find where to pay the electricity bill. Evidently you have to pay at a special bank that they hide under a rock somewhere in phase II. India = 1

But I watched Sex and the City all day and cooked. Betsy = 1

Annso didn't get better, she got worse. India = 1

My computer Battery refused to work, which meant no Sex and the City DVDs when the power was out. Because our inverter doesn't work. India = 2

Monday morning, I woke up early, let the maid in, and fed the dog. These have now become normal tasks, so I don't get any points for them.

I put water on the stove to heat it so I could have coffee. I turned on the propane gas, but the hose attached to the stove was leaking - which I didn't know, it had worked find last night - and so I turned on the burner and used the spark thingy, and whoof - there was a huge fireball in my kitchen. India = 1

And my hair burnt. India = 1

And my eyebrows burnt. India = 1

And my eyelashes burnt. India = 1

And the hair on my fingers and hands and arms burnt. India = 3

And when I took a shower, the whole bathroom reeked of burnt hair. I'm not giving India a point for the after effects of its actions.

Then I want to pay our electricity bill. And I found the place ok. Betsy = 2

I withdrew cash and got more minutes for my phone. Betsy = 2

Then I took a rickshaw back to the office, where I swear every guy on the street stared at me and made that pathetic look like - well, there are 2: 1 is - you're the woman of my dreams an 2 is i want to fuck you. Neither are acceptable. India = 2

I got to the office, and found Ben asleep at his desk. India = 1

He is sick, and has thrown up 2 times in the past 20 mins. India = 2

And a good friend of mine sent an email that she's back in the states. India = 1

Score so far:
Betsy: 8
India: 22

These are all very bad omens...omens that I want to tell me to go home. That I just can't do it here. That I can't fucking cut it.

The thing is, I know I can - given time and some skills it would take to build up in that time. Like speaking Hindi, or learning how to manage people, or learning how to drive here.

But one doesn't have time. everything is urgent, and for good reason. The mistakes and items overlooked in my recent past have now become my present hell.

I like to earn my place, not be thrust in it and expected to deliver on items that I didn't even have a hand in thinking through.

This is all wrong. It wasn't supposed to go this way. Since when is being a nice person not enough?

Match MAID in heaven

We got a new maid. And she's freaking awesome! She's a bit older than our last one, much wiser (you can see it in her eyes) and infinitely more cheerful. I even look forward to getting up in the morning to chill with her - well, she's not chilling, she's working, but she's really nice, and tries to communicate, and "listens" to Ann and I about what we want her to do.

Now that I'm writing this - I realize just how ridiculous it is having a maid. But I honestly couldn't do all the cleaning every day...and you have to clean every day in India, that's for sure. (PS-mom, you'd hate that part). Since we have to have one, I'm glad we have her. She's great!

Take this morning, for instance. I had a few drinks with Ben and Annso last night, and didn't end up in too good of shape. But this morning, I was up and at 'em when the maid knocked on the door. Crazy! After Annso and I finished showing her how we wanted our laundry separated, she started, in not so many words but with gestures, telling us how pretty our skin was, and how she wanted that color, I told her I wanted her color skin - its a really pretty brown sugar color. We're connecting! Perhaps I'll actually start to use those "Teach yourself Hindi" books and CDs now...it'll be an incentive to communicate effectively with her.

I've also started day-dreaming about this match MAID in heaven. The picture that goes through my mind starts off with my maid and I on a rickshaw, and her husband is driving it. The song "Happy Together" starts playing. She takes me to her little brick home and we dig a well or something, then we sit around a campfire with all the women that live around her and talk about the day, their kids, their arranged marriages, whatever Indian women of a certain stature talk about.

I know, I'm ridiculous! Who would ever want to do that - well, me, I guess!

The only thing we haven't worked out is how much she's paid...hmm...could be a point of strain on the relationship...I guess we'll have to see! But for now, I'm going to roll with this match MAID in heaven.

Flip Flop broken...but spirits lifting anyway

Report: In New Delhi this evening, a girl in her mid-twenties broke her flip flop whilst walking from her cab to her doorstep. At the outset, a few choice words were heard. Reported nosy neighbor on the ground floor: "I don't think there was one curse word she didn't use...I'm keeping my door closed from now on." After the incident's initial impact, the victim reportedly started laughing hysterically. "This is only natural," said the victim's friend, "this was the icing on the cake of her day. But she seems to be taking it well."

Up to the minute reports tell us that the victim is over the initial shock, and is dealing with the loss of her Rs. 100/- flip flop in a more stable manner. She has been reported as saying: "Actually, its not so bad. I'm not going to let it impact my mood from here on out."

We only hope she can maintain this positive attitude, as the possibility of loosing another flip flop in the future is almost certain.

Same old song...just a different meaning

Listened to a couple oldies but goodies lately. Took some great wisdom from their soulful mouths. Made for some good inspiration.

I will extend my visa. I just need to re-learn how to survive here.

At first, it was learning enough so that I could work in a different cultural environment. Now, I can survive in Indian culture, and I need to learn how to survive in my work culture.

As I learn to adapt, things change...or maybe I'm learning just how much I don't know...

Either way, this is a real challenge...a real freaking challenge...and I'm thankful I'm able to take part in it - good and bad.

When is it OK to give up?

My friends and I have been harassed by "lil' Indian men" (as Annso would call them).
I am used to being micromanaged, and can't create urgency for my own team...and feel like I'm learning leadership skills that were used by my grandparent to manage their lazy kids.
I doubt the abilities and promises of those around me.
Trust is low.
I understand, to a certain extent, the culture and how I can survive and thrive in it.
I don't feel that I'm learning or experiencing what I value or what I want to.
I am doing what I could be doing at home in 5-10 years time - only there, I might feel like I earned it.

All of these thoughts rush through my head on a 10x per day basis. I am not one to give up, but I'm not one to be shy of "self-sacrifice" either.

I suppose, all it comes down to is if I still want to do this.

As the cultural shock roller coaster leads me down another big hill and whips me through a dark tunnel, all I can think about is the light at the end of it - and what that will look like. Madison at Christmas time sounds like all I need.

Continuation of a conversation that will thrash this out tomorrow. Wish me luck!

What in the H - E - double hockey sticks was I thinking???

I don't want to leave India. No. You can't make me go back home. EEK!

What's struck fear into the heart of this lone ranger? Facebook.

Yes, its been a helpful tool for work, I can't deny that. But holy shit, I was looking at some photos of a girl I knew in High School that got married recently. Then I saw it. A pic of a girl I haven't seen since high school - and she was in a WEDDING DRESS surrounded by 5 other girls I knew in high school...the kicker? THEY ALL HAD DIFFERENT LAST NAMES (except one - who was the smartest of them, I think).

I mean, holy fuck! And all I keep hearing around me is that people are getting married, settling down, etc.

WHY???? I scream. WHY????

If India is offering me a place to hide from this, I'll stay until I have to. Freaking marriage. What the hell are you guys thinking, scaring me half to death like that!

And I'll promptly be burying myself in mounds of work. (Insert scene from the movie "Little Rascals" where the girls scream: 'Boys ugh!' and the little boys scream: 'girls - ugh!' only replace boys and girls with marriage - ugh!)

Hollywood crap hits close to home

I wonder how many times they, those guys in hollywood, get it completely wrong?

For those of you in the US, a movie recently came out called Rescue Dawn. It is based on a book called "Escape from Laos" by Dieter Dengler, a German-born American. The book chronicals his escape from a POW camp in Laos during the Vietnam war.

As many of you may not know, my grandmother's brother was in that POW camp with Dieter (now deceased), and assisted in planning their escape along with the 5 other prisioners (from Thailand and Hong Kong).

The way that the movie portrays my great uncle - Eugene DeBruin - is completely wrong. If you are interested in learning more about the truth, please visit: www.rescuedawnthetruth.com.

For me, I understand the whole Hollywood thing. However, this struck close to home. I think that it is important for all of us to consider carefully the movies we watch and consider how close to life they actually are - even if they say they are based on actual events.

This just reinforces the constant point that we need to seek out the truth - it won't be handed to us.

Internets - yes, its plural

There are 2 types of Internets:

A. Internets that are there.
B. Internets that are not there.

These 2 types of Internets exist in India - and have a mind of their own. Its like the internet gremlins are conspiring against me, trying to get me to be stranded writing on paper - pretty much like quill and ink.

Fucking internets.