all for a stupid fucking title

Life lesson: Don't EVER take a job because you like the sound of a the title they're giving you.

I feel duped. Stupid. Completely inadequate.

I admit it, I liked the way it sounded. Now I hate it - because it does not reflect to any extent, what I'm doing or where this thing is going. GRRRRRRRR.

Lesson learned. Time to move on. Really. Or I might explode.

Belief - the most dangerous weapon of all

But not in the way you may think...

I've recently made time for myself and have spent it reading a lot. Some of the books I've read are: The 7 habits of highly effective people, Conversations with God, and The secret.

Common theme: If you believe it, whole heartedly, it will become your reality - where "it" is anything...Anything...ANYTHING!

WTF mate? ANYTHING is possible if I truly believe it?

Implications & thoughts:
-wowza! There's so much power here...if only I could train my mind not to be limited by the laws of nature
-Does this mean that all religions are right? That if you believe something it is or will be a reality?
-If we believe something "bad" or "evil" does that mean it will come into existence as well? And if we believe something is good, when others believe it is evil, that it is good?

All of this is confusing - but I do like and have begun to see the real merit in the underlying theme: I am creator. I create my thoughts, beliefs, actions. I think them - ie: I make them. I do this. No one else can - and that makes them original.

Of course, this brings up bigger thoughts like:
-If I am creator, is the way I see the world the same way others do?
-If the only things I can really control are my beliefs, my thoughts, and my actions, why care about other people? would that make selfishness a sort of good thing - in a round about way?

Just some thoughts stuck in my brain...too bad the answers don't manifest in reality...

And you can be the speaker...

Life has been super hectic lately, and the fact that I am actually taking time out to write is pretty amazing - I haven't even talked to my parental units for a sustained period of time in weeks! (sorry dudes and dudettes!) However, I don't feel selfish, or like I'm being a bad daughter - I've decided to give up feeling guilty - to just lay it aside. There are more important feelings to feel and more important things to do.

like my job!

I've never felt like something was going to take off so quickly. In the past week, I've seen a new employee come in, have gone to another city to meet with an organizing committee, have met with two organizations and created avenues for potential partnerships, did some transition, played with a 4 year old intent on breaking my computer, stood up for my new intern, yelled at some people, reviewed contracts, learned what it takes to make an international transfer of funds from the US to India, and so much more.

I have also learned a lot about myself, going through all of this. I've learned that I like to take care of people, and to only operate in the 'win-win' sphere. I don't like when people break contracts and then expect you to give them a chance to do a better job next time - there won't be a next time - which seems to be the hardest thing for them to grasp. I like to feel responsible...it motivates me. And I am responsible - for employees, for finances, for my own well being, for information management, for moving things forward, for anything that goes into my life and "my" organization. Lots of motivation juice.

In short, things are freaking exciting man! I've never felt more like this is working and will continue to work - and will be better and better.

Hope you all are rockin' too!

Apparently now, I'm an Indian...

I've had lots of external meetings lately, with potential partners, speakers for the congress, with board members and AIESECers. This means, I've taken seriously (well, seriously for me) to dressing up - Indian style.

Ask Clarali - it kicks ass! Its so comfortable, and I look professional (I hope!). I've even gotten some complements from *gasp* Indian women at the office! Holy moly - these women never say anything nice to me, and they complement the way I'm dressing - INDIAN STYLE!!!

Finally feel like I'm getting a bit of an edge on the culture...I know its a more superficial one, but its something...

fear? love? what's your motivation?

I am a firm believer that we always need to look at the motives of others and ourselves, to see the true meanings in actions.

Being selfish is not necessarily a bad thing - its just what it is, being selfish. But is that selfishness spawned out of fear or love?

I want to have a great experience here, to really get to know the culture, Hindi, speak with local people, really make an impact...and I am beginning to. But I do realize that this is all selfish - very selfish. Re-look at that statement: I want to...its all about me. Its not necessarily about others. However, I do want to use this want to positively impact the world - and it is there that I know I am motivated out of love...

...love for people
...love for the world
...love for myself
...love for education
...love for making change happen

I only want the best for everyone around me. And I truly mean that.

I look at this and wonder - what if I was motivated out of fear? How would this look? I want to...because if I don't, someone else will, and i won't be the one making the difference. It won't be me, and I fear someone else's abilities to make a difference - I would be motivated out of fear...

...fear for me, not living up to my potential
...fear for the world, if its not me (with all these great qualities) making change in my own specific way
...fear for my development
...fear of what others would think of me

What if we can let all of the fear go? Its tough, I know...but knowing that there's only one way to fail - if you don't try - that gives me hope.

I know I can do this - because my motivation is in line with my actions, and only good can come out of that.

The British are coming! The British are coming!

-Paul Revere, American Revolutionary

yes, a brit is coming...only I am rejoicing! Ben is coming to join the AIESEC Alumni Association Secretariat! Heck yes! I am so excited - but I can't decide what more about...

1. That I'll be able to work with such a rockin dude again (he was on my 50th OC)
2. That I'll get to pass off some stellar, interesting, and fun work to him - stuff that he can and will really run with
3. That I'll be able to re-focus and begin to build, brick by brick, donation by donation, member by member.

Its such an exciting time! I can't wait for the British to get here!

Heck yes!