Inspiration Juice

Inspiration juice...we all need it. After a few weeks of harsh words, debates, and-dare I say-chasms in opinion, I finally stepped back.

I keep asking myself why...
...I had a couple stellar e-mails drafted
...I had a couple posts for the new forum
...I had great conversations with people around different issues

But why? Why step back now?

When all these e-mails were going out, from both sides, saying we should focus on our @ work, that we should take a step back from the politics, that we should all take a deep breath, look away for a moment or two, I was the one who didn't want to give up, who didn't want to keep giving in, and listening to those I feel have used excuses to control things in the past. Why, I kept asking myself, why step back now? why, when things could get pushed even further? why, why, why?

So, since the suggestion of stepping back came from a good friend, I decided to actually think on it for a bit.

In some respects, it does make sense. Once we let the politics play out too much, that'll be all we can see. Once we take the focus off of our work, we are no longer bringing our mission to life for all @ers. Once we get wrapped up in all the changes, in all of the things that seem to be so pressing, so imminent, we loose our ability to see just how we can, and are, changing the world, one person at a time. Check out this blog to see what I'm talking about: http://ljblank.nomadlife.org/ Its things like this that provide inspiration juice for me.

But I am still hesitant to give in to the thinking that going on with my every day work is really helping things...is really inspiring people. I have to look at the certain program that the blogger mentioned above is participating in. Then I think about how my tank is filled with inspiration juice. I wonder what makes certain programs different from others. Hmm....Is it the fact that this type of exchange was more personal for the author...Is it the fact that there is more ownership in the program the blogger is participating in...Is it the fact that a participant in that program can really see the effects they will be, and do, have on the world around them...Is it the fact that these participants are given a heavy responsibility of representing their culture in a part of the world that is a bit more difficult to explain yourself in, that these participants are gladly taking on these responsibilities-and even feel it is their duity to do so, that, in taking on these responsibilities, these participants feel important, empowered, and hence take ownership in their experience?

The thing that makes me not steer away from the political side of things is that, for me, it doesn't take much to get, and remain inspired. The politics and debates and converstaions themselves can be overwhelming, but inspiring at the same time...and, at this juncture, are just as important as programs like this.

I think that if we steer away from these debates and conversations, we are only huring ourselves. By debating and talking, we are creating the same type of experience for ourselves as the blogger mentioned above: we are empowering ourselves to take ownership of our organization.

It all comes back to the MISSION!

Problems:
decision making power
entrepruner-ship
developing people
transparency
leadership
innovation
Age issue
Board of Directors
MCP elections
Quality v. Quantity
Including more members
Problems with @I
By-laws
no constitution
term limits
consulting firms

Other than the people bitching (in a good way) about all of these problems lately, one thing unites all of these problems: the mission of an organization that I allow to suck the life out of me on a daily basis.

Think about it: what else can all of these problems boil down to? The fact that I don't agree with the current direction of the org...plain and simple. (big shocker, huh?)

IMHO (a new acronym I just learned, thank you very much), @ is all about giving yourself 110%, even when you don't have anything left. Its about doing something that is going to better your future and others'. Its about finding win-win's. It's about INNOVATION, CREATIVITY, CONNECTING...

But all of these feelings turned to action are inspired by one simple thing: the MISSION. I am inspired by people that want to create, innovate, find new solutions to problems, create new processes. I am inspired by people who believe in what they are doing, who are passionate about what they are creating, and who are bold because of that inspiration.

In my mind, NONE of this is even touched at with the current direction. It seems like the customers needs are all that we're looking to satisfy...WHAT ABOUT OUR STUDENT CUSTOMERS? Why don't we look at members as customers? They are personal development customers...why not treat them that way, instead of treating them as a means to an end? why not trust in their creativity, inspiration, innovation?

My words are harsh, and I know it. So many people wrap themselves up in this organization, and then take it personally when their ideas are questioned. But to you I say: you are able to feel that way, because you FEEL the mision, you FEEL what you are doing...

@ has led you this far by offering you opportunities to develop yourself through many different chanels. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for that.

...why is it so hard for people to see that?

One more thing on Socrates:

I found this whilst reading a chuck palahniuk book, Diary, this weekend: "According to Plato, we don't learn anything. Our soul has lived so many lives that we know everything. Teachers and education can only remind us of what we already know."

Just more to think about...

This is how much I miss acadamia...

In a conversation about justice, and what a just man is, Socrates was once quoted as saying: "Then it is not the work of the just man to injure, Polymearchos, wether to injure a friend or anyone else, anyone--but that is the work of the unjust man...Then if one says it is right to give back what is owing to each, and means by this that injury is owing to his enemies from the just man and benefit to his friends, the one who said it was no wise man; for he did not speak the truth, since it has been shown that to injure anyone is never just anywhere."

Socrates was the first person known to have said this.

That blows my mind. Well, a lot about this passage blows my mind.

1. The fact that issues that are perplexing, debated, mulled over by friends sitting around drinking still exists today as it did over 2000 years ago...
2. The fact that everyone seems to think they know exactly what justice, or any other virtue, is...but yet everyone's perspective on it is different...
3. The fact that, according to the passage above, to be just means to never harm, or wish harm on anyone...does a person actually exist that can and does embody this?
4. The fact that a concept, seemingly so simple and so accepted, can turn into something so complicated...

I could go on, but I think everyone has their own questions that get raised by this passage.

More wisdom from Socrates: "Greedy people-how they grab at every dish that is brought in, and take a taste, before they have decently enjoyed the one before!...Before we had found out what we first looked for, what justice is, I let that go and dashed at questions ABOUT it...when I don't even know what justice is, I shall hardly know wether it is really a virtue or not..."

For me, this brings up some obvious questions and thoughts:

1. how often am I like this? scratching at the surface of something, but never really let it sink in, never explore it deeper than its skin? What does this say about me? my decisions? my life?
2. I think it is important to want to sample everything, but it is equally important to dive deep into one thing, and get lost in it.
3. It is of the upmost importance to understand completely and to be able to articulate of equal completeness, why you enjoy something, why you are a part of something, why you BELIEVE in something. If you can't understand that, then how do you know you WANT to enjoy something, be a part of something, believe in something?

Yes, this is my nerdiest (sp?) post thus far...but things seem to be so much clearer now that I'm able to take a step back and enjoy every aspect of my self-taught-learning (does that make sense?) Maybe I've got a bit to go yet...

Jealousy

Yea, I'll admit it, I'm jealous of people who wear their hear on their sleeve. They get hurt, they last thruough that, and they survive. They are willing to go through things like that...to get hurt and to live through it.

Me, on the on the other hand, I don't even feel it is worth my time. But am I missing out on something? Maybe...missing out on getting hurt, feeling worth something, feeling like I mean someting to someone, feeling expected, feeling unexpected:::FEELING. FEELING. FEELING.

That's what it all comes back to: people who can wear their heart on their sleeve feel...or do they? Are they just mascistists (sp?) who need to feel like they are somebody to someone? I don't know. But I do know that I feel like I am less of a person next to a certain someone who shares a mother and father with me. Not less of a person, but less of an emotional person...

and that both comforts me and scares me. What if I can't feel? But is that just me?

Why does it matter?

Are my thoughts worth my time? Is my life worth it to me? Why? What is so important about me? to me? why do things make me cry? make me feel enraged? engaged? important? worth somthing? Why am I...me?

I was talking with somone who is very important to me late this evening. Talking led to tears. Tears led to theology. Theology led to more thoughts (whatever that means). Soon enough, I knew that I had taken her too far...past her breaking point. Past what I had even meant to extract from her with my questions. To you, I am truly sorry...but I hope my questions helped.

What makes us feel low? In my thoughts, its the opinions of others. We really don't realize how much other people can have an effect on us..or do we. Sometimes, we take what others say to heart...most of the time, I just brush it off...a complement, a jab...it doesn't matter...your opinion doesn't really matter to me. I just wish that other people could feel this way: respect what other people are saying, but not take it to heart. Identify with what enraptures your heart, soul. But leave all of the other stuff to the other people. Be who you are at this moment...you can't really be anybody else, can you?

Wierd thought

"I can love myself better than you..."

Is it true? What's the big deal with falling in love with someone anyway? You want someone to know you inside and out? You want someone there for you? You want someone to grow old with? You want someone to make you feel normal?

You want whatever you want...but if you can't be that for someone else then you aren't worthy of love, in my mind...

...back to work! damn it!

Perfect

Yea, I know I'm at work right now, but I was inspired by a chick-rock song. After thinking about all of my qualms lately, this song really stuck in my head...and I had to replay it over because I was so taken with the similarities. Some excerpts:

"With everything I do for you, the least you could do is keep quiet...
I'm doing this for you, and I'm damn good, you'll make up for what I blew, what's the problem, why are you crying?..."

Yea, I found those words to fit with the way I'm feeling right now. The more we try to control things in our lives, the more we loose control. I've found, throughout my short stay in this world, that you can't control anything...your emotions, your words, your thoughts, other people...nothing!!!! You've got to roll with it. The most you can do is give yourself and those around you opportunities to do something...anything...to make them feel better about themselves. That's what its all about, in my mind. To make people do that a certain way is just being too control-freakish, if you ask me.

Why do you want to create something perfect? Why not try to create perfect opportunities for yourself? For others? Leave room for space to grow, change, for people to make decisions for themselves???

In being perfect, you are imperfect...and in being imperfect, you are perfect. Why was that so hard for me to wrap my head around?